Is Porn your Thorn?
They say Baseball is America’s past time and it very well may be one of them however, did you know it has to take a hard back seat to Pornography? It’s like pornography shouted, “shot gun” and then proceeded to snatch up the keys and is now driving the car of America’s culture.
Don’t believe me? If you’re brave enough to go do research on the porn industry, you’ll quickly see the kind of revenue it’s pulling – and that’s just the known legal porn!
So, my objective with this blog is to share with you my own experience with porn addiction and its variety of impacts on my life. Not only that, but my goal is to provide hope for those struggling and some tools to combat both the addiction and shame that comes along with this disease.
So Lezz Go!
I was introduced to pornography by a buddy when I was 10 years old. My friend had found a club house in the woods, and all on his own, discovered the holy grail of smut. Almost like a scene from Stand By Me, one of my favorite movies, he came and got me saying “you want to see something cool?” After a short bike ride and a decent hike, we arrived at the scene of what would become a pivot point of my sexuality for the rest of my life.
Upon our arrival, the door of the club house was locked securely and so we had to arduously climb in from the roof panel that my friend had pulled back. “There must be something really cool in that thing” is all could think to myself as we made our way upon the roof and down inside to explore.
“Look at this” my friend said…. And boy did I ever! I did such a good job of looking too! I just kept right on looking for almost another 3 decades!
Let’s see, I’m 45 now so that’s 35 years ago this summer. Back then, getting a hold of porn was no easy task – right? Best case, you might get your hands, or should I say hand, on a magazine left behind by an older brother or irresponsible father. Rarely, would you ever have a shot at a video and if you did, remember this is 35 years ago, you had to figure out how to not get caught watching it in your family room. Back then, you typically only had a couple of TVs in the house and usually only one of them had a VCR hooked up to play your VHS tapes – and that was in the family room. For those of you that have no clue what I just said, you’ll have to simply trust me. Bottom line, we didn’t have access to pocket porn… you know, that little mobile device you carry around with you all day long?
Anyway, when my eyes saw what they seen and seen what they saw, my body lit up like the fourth of July. I might have very well sprouted my mustache in that exact moment!? You see, there are windows throughout young man’s life and when the wrong things make their way in while that window is open - it will create an imprint on his life and that very imprint will then turn into an experience that will affect his entire life.
Well, my window was wide open, and the breeze of all things sex was filling up every room in my house.
I wasn’t ready for that! I didn’t yet possess the wisdom nor the discernment at that stage in my development to handle all the powerful things that were happening inside of me! With every look my mind was being hardwired and with every glance my spirit conditioned. How I viewed sex, women, marriage, and just as significantly myself, was being solidified into place.
Looking back, I deeply mourn for that young man and all that was taken from him.
Over time, static photos evolved into videos and then - the internet hit. I didn’t even know to look for porn on the internet until my boss at the time mentioned something about some silly website. He said to go check it out and so I did.
Holy smokes!
From that point forward, I think our home phone line was busy pretty much all the time. Dang it… I must explain that too. For those youngsters that don’t know what I’m referring to – the internet used to be accessed on a computer using your home phone line. If you happened to be on the internet, even for non-porn activity, that activity locked up your phone line so no calls could come in and if someone inside the house picked up one of the phones, it would cut your internet session off.
But even with this newfound porn portal, it was tough because most homes only had a single computer, if they had one at all, and it was in your home’s open area so everyone could have access to it. But, if you worked at a place where you could get the best buys of technology, like I did, you had access to heavily discounted refurbished equipment and set up shop in your bedroom.
My poor parents were completely unaware of the places I was going every day yet never had to leave the privacy of my own bedroom. Neither of my folks had any idea to even be monitoring my activity on the internet. They had no clue what the internet was!
Carrying on, the internet was a significant problem for me. Access to unlimited pornography gave me resources to anything that I wanted or should I say needed. This is one of the dirty tricks of pornography addiction – it behaves exactly like any other addiction. What got you high last time is not enough to get you high again. So, you need something more – something different – a bigger hit of something stronger! The addiction also means you think about your next high until you get high again. Therefore, now along with the physical behaviors that come along with porn, also comes mental masturbation that is just as distracting and debilitating.
My addiction and behaviors carried on daily over the years. Unknowingly, I engaged not only my body and mind but also my spirit in sex training. I adopted and embraced templates for sex that I placed over women, relationships and myself that were simply put - not true. See, when a man experiences a sexual high, it’s more than just physical and emotional for him – it’s spiritual. There is a spiritual bond and fulfillment that happens when a man sexually climaxes and is why he will be found returning to the same model, actress, pornstar, prostitute, or stripper repeatedly. He genuinely feels, and from his genuine perspective, is bonded to that person, as he should be because that’s the way he was created to be. The problem with this situation is that he didn’t isolate that unique experience to his bride who he should in fact be spiritually bonded and returning to.
So here I am, a young man afflicted with naturally induced testosterone overdoses, obsessively thinking about sex, and attempting to navigate relationships for the first time. I would compare it to getting drunk and then trying to learn how to fly a plane off a pontoon boat. Most boys are clumsy and delayed with relationship skills as a stock model right out off the shelf and I was no exception. Lucky for me though, I had the porn industry helping to unlock my relationship skills and assisting me to properly understand the love language of the ladies. Look out world, here I come! Ready, Fire…… Aim!
I went out into the world sharing what was to belong only to my wife with other women and in doing so gave birth to countless templates that grew into full fledge relationship rules that I began to apply to not only women but myself too. So, not only was I digitally engaged with self-gratification, I was now also physically engaged with real women – both creating very real experiences that should have been reserved for the one they were intended to be experienced with – my wife.
Can we just fast forward to my wife? What a blessing I have in her! I remember the day she came to me and asked, “what’s porn hub?” I almost fell through my own butt hole in that moment. She didn’t ask in a way that was indicative of her joining me in the adventure – it was more of a “what heck are you up to” kind of question. I don’t remember how I responded however, I know it was some stupid answer that leaned towards blaming shifting it on technology and I was dumb enough to believe that she bought it.
Reflecting on the situation, I was disappointed that she didn’t press the topic any further than she did. I honestly wanted to get caught and it felt like that was the only real way out! I was trapped in this world of chasing highs that never really satisfied me. More significantly, I was snared in a lifestyle of repeated behaviors that left me feeling dirty and filled to the brim with shame.
Every time was honestly going to be the last time – man that is such a real feeling with addiction!!!
I love my wife and children. I served at my church. I was a hard worker and great problem solver however, I could not seem to find my way out of this mess. Freaking ugh!
One evening, our friends Paul and Donna were hosting a church small group in their home. Paul told us all about a program called Celebrate Recovery and that he was being asked to start it at our church. The program was for anyone with a Hurt, a Habit, or any kind of Hang-up. Paul even asked if I would help him get the program going!
Heck yeah – I’m a great problem solver!
As everyone left their home that night, I lingered at the door strategically being the last one to leave. I asked my wife to give me a minute and then asked Paul if I could bend his ear about something real quick. We sat down at his kitchen table, and I told Paul that I would really like to help with the program however, I don’t think I can. My stomach turned and my face melted with heat as I battled through the heavy shame and humiliation of my addiction. It took everything I had to simply tell him… “I’m struggling with porn”
Paul kept his eyes locked on me and responded in the kindest most welcoming tone. “That’ ok Jay, a lot of men do a now you’ll be able to help them.”
My eyes watered a bit, but on the inside I crumbled to pieces.
Paul’s response spoke so many things to me all at once; he gave me a safe place to confess my issue, he told me it was going to be ok, he accepted me in my mess, he even implied that my current situation would one day become a testimony to help other men struggling with the same thing.
……. Lot’s more to share including helpful tips and resources. Let me know if this is helping and if you would like to read the back end of this adventure.
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Truly love you dudes and hope that we can create a safe space for men to rally around one another in our common struggles. Indirectly, I want to address the women / wives and help them to better understand what’s happening and how they can genuinely help the men in their lives move from victim to victorious in the nasty addiction of porn.